This week, I went to Hot Springs, Arkansas for a bit of a break. I was originally heading to Costa Rica, but multiple facets to life interfered. So I decided to pack up my car, my sourdough starter Bready Mercury, and head to Hot Springs for a solo trip. I found a cute, little cabin-esque spot with a super soft bed, kitchen, hot tub, and a quaint farm outside with goats, chickens, ducks, and a too-proud turkey trying to woo his ladies.

I had a lot of apprehension about leaving, which caused a lot of food for thought. Here I was, at 39, nervous about a simple 8-hour road trip…when I traveled the world all by myself for three straight months at one point in my life. It gave me a lot to think about, such as when did I get so fearful?

At any point in a conversation with someone, I’m always the first to recommend they travel solo, so why was I so nervous to travel away from home? It had me considering the type of media I’ve consumed since that three-month trip (I’ve increasingly become a horror film and book addict). Access to the news worldwide is more robust than ever and especially since the Me Too movement, the awareness of exactly how much danger is out there is more readily available than ever. 

This is not how I want to live my life, so I go anyway. I load up on hypermobility and Mel Robbins podcasts, enjoying the time with me and Bready Mercury.

All in all, it was a decent trip. One of the nights, I made myself a really nice meal of balsamic-soaked roasted brussels sprouts, grass-fed NY strip steak, and wild rice pilaf. I saw the weirdest wax museum of my life. I soaked in the hot tub and read alien smut. I booped a few goat noses, while I was at it. Bready came along for the ride, living a life most sourdough starters can’t even imagine.

When My Fears Became Reality

Now, I wasn’t kidnapped or anything (I say this knowing full well I was almost kidnapped once), but on my last day, after seeing the gorgeous Anthony Chapel, I was driving along the highway and feeling so good. I’d wanted to see the chapel for well over a decade and I finally got to see it! The sun was shining through the clouds and I remember thinking, “There’s so much good still in the world.”

Insert the universe laughing.

Literally no more than a minute later, my 2017 Kia Sorento jerks heavily and all of my acceleration disappeared. The system began blathering about needing to get the engine checked. The dreaded “CHECK YOUR ENGINE, YOU DUMB IDIOT” light came on, blinking in a taunting rhythm.

Here I was, on a random highway in Hot Springs, Arkansas at 5:30pm. All of the shops are closed. My husband is a day’s drive away. I know no one. Uber doesn’t exist there (I wish I was kidding—there were no drivers).

Did I shrug it off and go, “Well, we’ll just figure it out!”

Absofuckinglutely not. 

No, instead, being the strong badass I am, I called my husband and had an absolute hyperventilating meltdown. I kept wailing, “Why is this happening HERE? NOW?!”

My husband, Josh, is nothing short of a saint. First of all, he braves existing with me every day, somehow with excitement and joy (I don’t even like myself that much). On top of that, where I’m pure fire half the time, he’s a calm stream of patience. So as I wailed on the phone, he kept gently coaxing me off the mental edge and looking up mechanic shops on Google at the same time.

Admittedly, if I didn’t have him to talk to, I probably would’ve watched the sun set, slightly disassociated while I formulated every possible outcome before choosing an action. Sometimes it’s nice to just fall apart and someone support you while you be Smol Gurl In Big Wurld.

Long story short, I end up being stubborn and driving to a nearby mechanics shop at 20mph (the car went into “limp mode.”). That didn’t work out, so I had to drive to a different one. That didn’t work out, so then I had to park in a Walmart parking lot. I reached out to my Airbnb hostess, who happily came to get me. And this is where the lesson shows up.

The Lesson of Arkansas

An issue I have, and what I suspect we all experience, is struggling to receive anything.

Love. Money. Attention. Freedom. Confidence.

Especially in a capitalistic society, it’s all about “What can you do for me?” or “What can you pay?”

I’m a part of a local spiritual mastermind group and we’ve talked about the struggle of receiving a few times. I’ve also been able to attend different motivational-style workshops in the last six months and this has also popped up many times — if you aren’t ready to receive, the universe won’t bother trying to give.

If I’m going to be vulnerable here, I’d say it stems from my childhood more than anything. In order to get love from my parents, I had to do things for them. My worth came from what I provided and honestly, society screams out the same message. So in turn, I don’t know how to just receive goodness—if I need to give to feel worthy of receiving, shouldn’t I do the same for others? Thus begins a cycle that never ends for anyone in this world.

Enter stage left: my kind Airbnb hostess arriving in her silver mini-van with a friendly smile and happy-to-help attitude.

As she drove me to and from the mechanic shops the next twelve hours, I kept thinking, “I should pay her money.”

A little voice in my mind said, “You’re sharing your gratitude repeatedly. This is a good opportunity to be comfortable with receiving kindness.”

Plus, if you think about it, when you require, demand, or force a trade in return for kindness…you rob the other person of the joy of offering kindness to others.  Because it feels good to help others (at least, it does for those that aren’t psychopaths).

So I allowed her to help me, said thank you about 72 times, and moved through the struggle of figuring out my car issues Luckily, it wasn’t an immediate danger and I was able to make it home.

What I’m Taking With Me Going Forward

It’s always annoying to learn lessons and receive direction from the universe away from the comfort of home. Unfortunately, that’s kinda where it needs to happen and frankly, where it tends to happen. Growth can only exist outside of the comfort zone.

While this past week turned out to be more stressful (and expensive) than I originally imagined, I’m glad it happened because

a) it’s spurring me to learn how to change my own spark plugs

b) It reminded me there’s still goodness in the world, some of which can only be discovered when things are difficult

c) It reminded me that I need to give in to situations I can’t control

I know 2025 has so many more lessons to slam into my face and I also know that mindset is half the battle. If I spend more time seeking out the goodness that comes out of the difficulty, then the difficulties have no choice but to become less serious.

That’s just how things work.